“Accepting that the fight is painful allows you to focus on finding the good”
It’s easy to put out what you want to be reality. Putting out positive, and “making” the image you want seen. For me, that’s an image of thriving despite the circumstances. An admirable quality of life. A person managing a grueling medical schedules, and balancing classes regularly, and the associated homework… nothing but good things. However, I have learned that we must accept reality, as living trying to “make” an image is too heavy on the soul. This Tuesday I was admitted after weeks of issues and an overall noticeable trend of declining quality of life. All of my energy has gone into school, trying to be the student I dream to be. I got dressed, tried to be normal, social, and okay. I hate to admit but the reality: constant pain, sever nausea, fatigue, confusion, headache, flushed vivid red cheeks showing discomfort, or ghostly pale, and more, are all not okay. Behind closed doors have been tears, discussions of fears, and countless moments spent too ill to function. It’s a hard reality when you have no definitive diagnosis for a list of issues, when there’s no cure, treatment, or outline of what’s to come. That makes admissions even more difficult as you know there is no fix. After more declining quality of life and ability to function beyond two classes a day, we said okay to an admission.Had we said okay earlier, I would have been admitted weeks ago, but admitting things are bad is vulnerable. It’s vulnerable to say you are suffering.
This admission has brought hard conversations. The talks of quality of life, of what’s next, of if it’s time for looking at transplant before its too complicated to do so, at what else, if nothing, can be done. My mind is drowning in the reality I tried to hide. My heart is weary knowing what’s going on. It’s times like this where I grab onto positivity. That’s the only way to survive. So I count my blessings! Family, friends, life, and so much more. I’m very lucky. Thank you for allowing me to share what’s been truly going on and for being a source of support and joy. I can’t control life, but I promise to try holding onto the good!
Sincerely and with so much gratitude,